Characters of a Sports Press Conference

(This an old blog I recycled from my now defunct OKBlitz blog. So, some of you who've been reading a while may remember it. For those reading for the first time, enjoy. I recycled it because I wanted to save this on Joe Knows for archiving purposes.)

I’ve been to several sports press conferences over the years, and I’ve been to them in several different parts of the country. No matter where I am, though, the characters remain the same. Sure, the faces and names may be different, but there are certain personalities that tend to exist in almost every sports press conference I’ve ever been to. So, as a service to you, the fan, I thought I’d let you know what you’re missing. I present to you the characters of the sports press conference:

The Alpha Male
owns the press conference.

The Alpha Male – This is his press conference. He’s been covering this team for years, and you, no matter how old you are, are a rookie in his eyes. The Alpha Male always asks the first question, and he will give you a death stare if you dare jump in there before him. The Alpha Male can be cordial at times, but he’ll always slip in the reminder that he’s the big man on campus. If you tell him about a great story you just did, he’ll tell you how it reminds him of how he did something similar 25 years ago, and of course he did it better than you did. Now, leave him alone so he can get that first question ready.

Stats – Stats is at every press conference, but he or she is in rare form in the post game press conference. Stats has been tracking numbers since the first minute of this contest, and he or she can’t wait to rattle off some statistics that will blow your mind. This is Stats’ biggest flaw. He or she has to read off ALL of these statistics before any question is asked. Simply asking, “Sam, you really struggled in the third quarter. What happened there?” is not enough. No, Stats’ question has to be something like, “Sam, after throwing for 213 yards and a 74.3 completion percentage and an overall quarterback rating of 153.9 in the first half, you dropped off to a 58.9 completion percentage and a third quarter rating of 98.2, including a 30 percent success rate on third downs and only completing three out of eight throws beyond 15 yards while holding the ball in the pocket for an average of 3.8 seconds before releasing. What happened there?”

Too many stats can be confusing, except to Stats himself.

While the rest of us fall asleep or just get impatient waiting for the question to be asked, Stats is just basking in the glory of reading off these hot-off-the-press numbers. The rest of the room does get one small taste of victory, however: Stats never gets the answer he or she is hoping for.

The answer Stats wants: “That’s a great point, Stats, and I’m glad you pointed that out. Clearly, I needed to be above 50 percent on those longer yardage throws, and I really need my third quarter passer efficiency rating to be above 130.5 if we hope to win, and obviously I can’t hold the ball for more than 3.5 seconds and hope to have a completion percentage above 60 percent. The zone defense caused some problems for me, and I need to make decisions faster, and we made that adjustment in the fourth quarter.”

The answer Stats gets: “Oh, um, really? I didn’t know that. I was just trying to make a play.”

While the rest of the room is thankful that’s over, Stats is undeterred. This is just a challenge. Just wait for numbers that are unveiled next time.

The Ramblin’ Man – A lot like Stats, he takes a long time to get to his actual question. Unlike Stats, he is not giving stats. He’s just talking, making obvious observations before he actually asks the question.

Coach’s Buddy – Coach’s Buddy is generally one of the better newspaper reporters in the room. Good questions are asked. Nice stories are written. Coach’s Buddy does one thing that irks the rest of the room, however. When the press conference is over and the coach is leaving the podium, Coach’s Buddy is there at the bottom waiting. This is when Coach’s Buddy asks the question he or she REALLY wanted to ask but did not want to say in front of everyone else. Depending on the coach’s mood, the exclusive answer is normally given. It’s that little something extra that no one else will have. Sometimes it’s nothing, sometimes it’s the best stuff of the weekend.

That is what irks everyone else: Coach’s Buddy gets this exclusive that everyone else could have gotten, but Coach’s Buddy doesn’t share. No one else likes it, but they all understand it. Everyone wants to know what those two are talking about at the base of the podium, but they all know they’ll just have to read the paper tomorrow to find out. Hats off to you, Coach’s Buddy. You’ve struck again.

Old School – Like the Alpha Male, this guy has been around a while. Unlike the Alpha Male, no one really knows who this guy is. Is even here working for a newspaper or television station, or is he just hanging out? He’s sitting there with nothing except a note pad and a pencil. He might even be wearing one of those old hats with a tag that says PRESS poking out of it. He looks like he’s traveled through time to be here, and he never says anything to anyone else in the room, probably because he views everyone else as a bunch of punk kids who don’t do things they way they did in the old days. He just sits there, scribbles a few things down then goes to write the story for some media outlet that may not even exist anymore.

The photographer who hates his life – We love this guy because he makes us laugh, even if he’s not trying to. The next day he gets through without complaining about something will be the first. He hates the fact that he’s here. He works 70 hours a week (or least that’s what he says), every muscle on his body aches, and the only thing he wants to do is go home. He hates this team. He hates the coach. He hates the players, and he can’t wait to complain to you about the crap that’s going on at his station. He always complains about how bad he wants to get out of the business, but we all know that he’ll still be doing this ten years from now.

Everyone's glad to see the hottie.

The Hottie – Sometimes she’s a reporter. Sometimes she’s a writer, or she could be an intern or a public relations person with the team. Whoever she is, all of the men in the room are glad she’s there. All the guys will strike up some kind of meaningless conversation with her at one point or another. She’s the one thing the photographer who hates his life won’t complain about.

The Kid – The Kid looks about 16 years old, but he or she is fresh out of college and doing the one-man band thing that so many in the television business have to do. The Kid is all alone and carrying a ton of equipment because no one else from the station is there to help. The camera, the tripod, a bag full of tapes and batteries are all The Kid’s responsibility. Everyone is nice to The Kid, because they were all there once. Still, it’s humorous to watch and look back on what it was like at an entry level job.

The people who do not appear to be working – They are always sitting there, especially in a post game press conference. They have nothing in their hands except maybe a beverage. They don’t appear to be with any media outlet. They sit in the front row laughing it up until the coach or one of the players walks in. They aren’t disruptive during the interviews, which is why they’re allowed to stay. Still, though: who are these people and who let them in?

The Human Rain Delay -  Just when you thought this long, draining press conference was over, the Human Rain Delay has at least one more question… or maybe three more… or eight.
See, most of us are blessed with the “it’s over” sense. This sense tells us when the party is over and it’s time to go home, when we need to stop chatting and let a coworker get back to work, and when to know that girl at the bar is not interested and just wants to be left alone. The Human Rain Delay (HRD) does not have this sense. He will stay at the party until he’s thrown out (and might even sleep over). He refuses to let you get back to work, and he will talk to that girl at the bar until she reaches for the mace.
At a press conference, when every question has been asked and coach is tired and ready to go, HRD has a long list of dandies that he’s been just saving for the very end. His questions are not only exhausting to coach, but also to everyone else in the room, because we all have to go, too. The Human Rain Delay is actually the arch nemesis of Coach’s Buddy, because Coach’s Buddy knows that the coach will be in a very foul mood after this late beating that HRD is dishing out.

I’m looking forward to another year of press conferences and seeing these characters. More importantly, though, I’m looking forward to the football games that will go along with them.