Characters at the Gym

As a follow-up to my most-read blog, the Characters of a Sports Press Conference, I decided I was overdue for another blog that stereotypes people.

So, I present to you: the characters at the gym. Most people at the gyms I've been to know what they're doing. Nine out of ten of my fellow gym-goers keep to themselves and go about their business. There are a few characters, however, that tend to pop up and bring down the workout experience.

The Chatter
As my friend Laura pointed out in her recent blog, some people just don't get the hint that you're at the gym to work out and not to socialize. The Chatter will look at you and tap his ear to indicate "lose the headphones because I have something to say." Inevitably, this person has nothing interesting to say. I made the mistake once of humoring a chatter by telling him I work in the sports department at a television station. Now, I know every time I see him, he wants to talk Sooners and Cowboys with me. Your iPod is no barrier to what the Chatter wants to talk about, and there is no obvious hint that can be given to get said Chatter to go away. You have to be the jerk and say, "I have to go."

The Chatter can also be found sitting next to you on an airplane, bus, or subway.

Scream Guy

Screaming at the Olympics? Fine. At a local gym? Stop it.

This guy is lifting a lot of weight, and he wants everybody to know about it. Every rep brings about another yell that either indicates success or pain... or both. You're not sure. His nonstop yelps can be heard everywhere: the bench next to him, the treadmills, the locker rooms, the parking lot, the deli across the street. Everywhere. You're not sure whether to call for help or invest in some noise-canceling headphones.

The couple that needs to get a room
They're both in great shape. They're both hot, and they are so happy to be at the gym together. They kiss each other before they go their separate ways to do their individual workouts, as if there's a chance one might not come back. We get it, folks: you're together. I promise I won't look at your girlfriend if you'll just stop massaging each other in front of my treadmill.

The person who needs your machine right now
He or she stands just a few feet away, watching you during your set. Then this person will chime in with "how many more you got?"
I don't mind this person during peak hours when it's really crowded and not many machines are available. I do, however, mind this person when I go in the mornings, when there are about 20 people in the gym and 100 available machines. You need this one this second? You can't do something else and come back in five minutes? I get having a routine, but you can't shuffle it a little? Maybe I'm just too polite, maybe I just don't have a great gym routine (the latter more possible than the former), but I don't mind altering my routine slightly if someone is on the machine I want. I'll just do something else and come back. This person, though, absolutely cannot wait another minute. Get off the machine.

The Squatter
The opposite of "the person who needs your machine right now" and a variation of the Chatter, the Squatter is just sitting on a machine or bench talking to friends. A minute or so isn't a big deal. Most of us are patient enough to wait a bit while someone else uses a machine we want. The Squatter, however, tests that patience.

Tip Guy
This guy is in great shape. He works out seven days a week. He watches Fit TV. He reads Men's Health, and wants to help you out. He watches what you do, and decides to give you some unsolicited advice on how to do it differently and also a tip on a great new routine he's been trying.
Thanks for the tips, Coach; but if I want advice, I'll hire a personal trainer.


The guy in the locker room who is way too comfortable naked
I'm just going to assume this is only a problem in the men's locker room.
We all get that it's a locker room, and guys need to change and shower. Unfortunately, there's always at least one guy who is way too comfortable with his body, and he's normally about 60 years old. Being naked to change clothes or before walking to the shower? Fine. Standing in front of the mirror naked to shave or brush your teeth, going to the urinal naked, and just standing there naked with a leg up on the bench talking to people? Not necessary. And yes, I've unfortunately seen all of those. Grab a towel, dude.

Despite the quirky characters, I still go the gym. If you've never noticed any of these characters, you might be one of them. Either that, or you go to a gym I should probably switch to.